Rolo Tomassi & my anxiety

I'm just about getting back on my feet and getting on top of all my photography work. I managed to get a load of stuff I shot at the start of the month finished today. It means I can relax a little as it's not nagging me in the back of my mind.

I've been shooting a lot of shows over the last few months for Photo Pit and I've been pushing myself into situations I would never have gotten myself into because I want it to work and I want to be a better photographer. For the most part, it's been good and I'm glad to be pushing myself but it has backfired on me.

I was on Twitter a while back saying how much I wanted to shoot Rolo Tomassi playing at the Relentless Garage and they tweeted me back saying to email them and they'll see what they can do. I emailed and asked if it would be possible to go down and photograph their day (load in, sound check, backstage etc...) and they said that if I wanted to, to just come down and find them around this time.

So on the day I got all my stuff together and went to the venue but the band were running late so I just waited out the back. When Rolo Tomassi arrived they turned up at the same time as the two other support bands. There was probably 15ish people around who were all unloading vans and bringing the stuff into the venue. It suddenly dawned on me that I didn't know which one of the band I had been emailing (as it was a generic band email address). I assumed it was James but I couldn't really see him around to approach and when I did he was with a group of people. I thought about introducing myself to someone else in RT but I was overcome with anxiety and a feeling of dread.

All I could think about was the fact that if I spoke to someone else they wouldn't have a clue who I was and why I was there. The longer I stood there and the more I felt like a massive dick and a weirdo and the worse the feeling of dread got. It's the worst sinking feeling you could ever get.

I struggle really badly in social situations with introducing myself to people in general but if I think they aren't going to have a clue who I am then it becomes almost impossible. Once I get that sinking feeling and anxiety I start thinking:

"How the fuck am I going to achieve anything if I can't do something as simple as say hello? How can I expect Photo Pit to be a success if I can't grasp basic human contact?"

"Why would they know or want to know who I am? I'm not a good photographer, I am a nobody and won't ever amount to anything. I had an opportunity that I consider to be a big one and I've fucked it. I doubt I'll be able to work with them."

I go over all the other times I've been in this kind of situation and think of them all as failures, which brings out every other form of failure in my life. I start self loathing really badly and start getting really depressive. It all becomes one big downward spiral and I just feel so low. At that point, the biggest thing that runs through my head is the fact that I have to get out of this situation as fast as possible.

I started to have a panic attack and had to leave. Thankfully Ben Gibson was in Central London and was shooting the show in the evening so I bailed and went to meet him. I was even lame enough to have a little cry on the tube on the way into town. Ben did an amazing job of cheering me up and calming me down without even realising he was doing it.

It was after this that I realised that most people don't realise how hard some things can be for people or that someone can struggle with stuff that is just natural like social interaction. I'm sure most of this just reads like "BOO HOO" but it is what it is.

The show itself was amazing, Rolo Tomassi absolutely blew my mind and I am incredibly grateful for them sorting me out with a pass and for the opportunity I kinda screwed up.

The show itself was pretty hard to shoot which you can read about on the Photo Pit blog as well as see more photos from it.

Edgar Wright

Earlier this year I had the privilege of meeting Bryan Lee O'Malley which was great as I was a big fan of the Scott Pilgrim books. I also really enjoyed the movie and it was probably my favourite movie of the year (which meant I was pretty excited when I found out Edgar Wright was coming into Forbidden Planet). I've been a fan of Edgar since Spaced was on Channel 4.

The photos from the signing really aren't the best signing photos I've taken. It's a shame as Edgar was great, really nice and chatty with everyone and I wish I could have done that justice. I would love to photograph both Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg together signing. I reckon it would be pretty interesting.

I've said before that I struggle to keep signing photos different each time I cover them and I really struggled with this one getting the exposures and colouring right.

The signing got me thinking about how I would like to try photographing on a big film set and document a films production.

It's kinda weird thinking this was the last set of photos I will have taken in 2010.

The other photos from the signing are here.

Gallows - Two Shows/One Day

Gallows announced a while ago that they were going to play Grey Britain in full at the Electric Ballrooom (and they also announced shortly after that they were going to do Orchestra Of Wolves in full at the Dingwalls on the same day). I was looking forward to the show and the more I thought about it, the more it felt like an incredibly important show/day.

The band have been through it all since the release of Grey Britain ranging from parting ways with their label to playing some of the biggest shows they've ever played (supporting RATM) and I felt like these shows (especially the Grey Britain one) was the end of an era. There had been a lot of rumors and talk about them splitting up and I was thinking that if they were going to split, this would be a good time to do it or it would end up being a statement that they aren't going anywhere. One of the other special things about the GB show was the fact they would be playing with a string section.

I've always wanted to try and shoot the whole experience of a show and shoot more than just the live performance and I desperatley wanted to try it for this. I emailed the guys and pitched it too them and they seemed happy to let me come down which I was over the moon about.

On the day I joined them pretty early on for their first soundcheck and tried to shoot as much as possible. I didn't really feel comfortable shooting backstage in their dressing room as this was really the first time I've properly spoken to most of the band and didn't want to push things too far. The day must have been quite stressful and tiring for them and I didn't want to shove a camera in their face while they were trying to relax and calm down. That was a pretty big regret for me.

I found the Dingwalls show pretty hard to shoot. There was no barrier and the crowd were going apeshit. I got stuck on one side of the stage (by Steph) and didn't feel I could get over to the otherside to cover Lags and Stu so I don't feel there's as much variaty as I would have like. The show was superb though.

The Electric Ballroom was going to give me a lot more freedom to shoot as there was a barrier and I could move about a lot more. In my head I had a lot of things I wanted to try and do as well as places/angles I wanted to shoot from. The show seemed to fly by and I tried to do the things I thought about but it wasn't as easy as I had hoped and I didn't feel like I was nailing the live stuff as easily as I have in that venue before. I missed a few things like Richard Carter coming onstage for 'Black Eyes'.

They had said all day they wouldn't be doing encores and I was at the back of the stage as they were finishing 'Crucifucks' and Steph mentioned they had decided to do 'Orchesta Of Wolves' but would I take a photo of the five of them onstage before they played again. I was absolutely shitting myself. I was panicing about the photos not coming out and having blown a massive moment for them. I got up on Lee's drum stool and just shot as much as I could hoping SOMETHING would come out ok.

While I was taking the shot I just had a realisation that this is what I've always wanted to do and this was what I had dreamed about doing. It also felt like I was part of something great. I went back into the pit to shoot the last song and felt incredibly overwhelmed and emotional. If you'd have told me six months ago that I would have been in this situation I'd have laugh at you. The GB show was truely stunning and the band over the day were amazing to be around. They've all been incredibly supportive and I still feel on a bit of a high.

It may seem silly to some people and shit loads of other photographers are in this situation all the time but this sort of thing doesn't happen to me. The band, the music and taking those photos meant the world to me and it was one of the best things that's ever happened to me.

As a whole I love a lot of the photos I took but I do think I could have done better and I could have done more but I'm hoping from this I'll get the chance to do this again and it could be the start of something good.

I really want to thank Frank, Steph, Lee, Lags and Stu along with Clare, Paul and all of the Gallows crew. I know I've done this a million times already.

The photos from the pre/post show and sound check photos are here.

The rest of the photos from the Dingwalls show are here.

The other Electric Ballroom shows are here.

The photos are also up on Frank's website (frankxcarter.com) and (twice as many photos) are on the Gallows Facebook page.

London Rollergirls Season Three - Bout Three

Saturday was the last London Rollergirl bouts this year and it was a great way to go out. Was really happy that the Ultraviolent Femmes won their first bout of the season and Habour Grudges winning really opens things up. At half time they had a Space Hopper race which was pretty fun to watch. I was quite surprised to see they'd used one of my photos in the programmes.

I got to shoot from the middle of the track again and feel I had a bit more of a grasp on it this time but I felt I struggled a bit more than normal shooting from the outside. My camera was doing it's usual taking photos when it feels like it wants too and I got a new error message which I haven't seen before. As long as my camera holds out another week then I'll breath a big sigh.

I really want to improve by the end of the season and I'd like to be taking more photos of the whole event/more candids than I'm currently doing.

I'd like to thank (again) Erin and the rest of the London Rollergirls for being very welcoming and helpful. I really love this sport and love being (sort of) involved in it in a very small way.

Steam Rollers vs Ultraviolent Femmes

Half Time

Harbour Grudges vs Suffra Jets

More photos of Steam Rollers vs Ultraviolent Femmes are here.

More photos of Half Time.

More photos of Harbour Grudges vs Suffra Jets are here.

I feel like I'm counting down to Friday which is going to be a massive day for me. I'm pretty fucking nervous but it's all pressure I put on myself to perform and deliver. I'll write more about it soon I guess. I also want to do an end of year 'review' of sorts. It's been a big year with lots of highs and lows. Might be good for me to reflect a bit.

I've started working on a project I've had in my head for a little while now which could open some doors and be pretty exciting. It's one thing that makes me look forward to 2011.

Japanese Voyeurs & Young Guns - Electric Ballroom

I got an email from Romily (the singer of Japanese Voyeurs) saying she'd seen the photos of them I'd taken at the MAdM show and liked them. She offered to sort me out with a pass for their show supporting Young Guns at the Electric Ballroom. Recently I've felt a little weird with regards to my blog. Some days I'm proud of it, really enjoy writing it and putting it up. Then other times I struggle to find things to write and feel like it's incredibly boring and self indulgent. Things like the email from Romily make me a bit more sure and justified about the way I do things.

I'd been away with work for several days and had worked some ridiculus hours so before hand I really wasn't excited for the show but the minute I got to the venue I felt a hell of a lot better. Japanese Voyeurs were on early and they killed it. I really like them and they are great to shoot. There's something about them. The Swellers were second and were ok but not 100% my sort of thing. I've photographed Young Guns before and their singer Gustav is really fun to photograph, he has a lot of energy and covers the stage well.

I'm pretty happy with how the photos have come out and I'm really enjoying how I'm taking photos at the moment. I'm trying to shoot a bit more free and looser. I hope it shows.

Thank you to Japanese Voyeurs for sorting this out.

Japanese Voyeurs

The Swellers

Young Guns

The rest of the photos of Japanese Voyeurs are here.

The rest of the photos of The Swellers are here.

The rest of the photos of Young Guns are here.

Someone at the show I had a brief exchange that went like this:

"Who do you shoot for?"
"Me"
"Oh so you do freelance for a lot of different people and magazines?"
"No, I just shoot for me"

I feel like photography and music photography especially can be a bit of a pissing contest and unless you are working for someone it can feel like you are being looked down upon. It shouldn't matter who I work for, I do what I do because I enjoy it and it made me really appreciate the other photographers I know who don't make photography feel like a competition. The only person I compete with is myself. I am constantly battling with my confidence and self esteem and when I am happy with the photos I take (like I was last night) and get emails or comments like I did from JV (and Gallows), it justifies everything for me.

Nathan Fox - Signing & Installation

After the anxiety attack, I decided not to go to Erotica and I felt pretty bad for letting people down but I just wouldn't have handled the situation well.

Instead, I decided to meet up with Nathan Fox who had done a signing at work. Nathan was taking part in a massive art installation in an office on Shaftesbury Avenue. He was working on the stairwell across five floors using a mix of paint, markers and massive vinyl stickers.

It was just him and his friend Dennis who were working on his section so it was really nice and peacefull which was just what I needed. As I've mentioned before I find artists working fascinating and I had a great time. Nathan Fox's art is stunning and it helps that he is such a nice guy too. Definitely want to meet up with him at some point in the future and photographing him work again.

Signing

Installation

The rest of the photos from the signing and installation are here.

The Saturdays & Rival Schools

This weeks been a strange week and I'm going to try and get a load of it down. I shot MAdM on Monday and was going to see Rival Schools on Tuesday. A couple of hours before hand a friend text me asking if I wanted to come to an intimate showcase and photograph The Saturdays. They aren't my cup of tea but it's a chance that doesn't really come round often (or at all really) so I said yes. The showcase was for AOL and they had arranged a little photo opportunity before hand. I was pretty nervous as I'm not really very good or confident at taking photos of people and I was pushed for time as I had to get to Rival Schools. It was stressing me out a little because I knew I was short on time and I got very flustered and paniced. The photo could have been better but it wasn't as bad as I thought it was when I left.

Rival Schools are a band I've been listening to for nine years now (since their first and only album came out) and they are a band I've forgotten about and rediscovered a number of times over the years. Over the last few, every time I hear the album I love it a little bit more. I've been lucky enough to see them a couple of times but seeing them at the Hoxton Bar and Kitchen was the first chance I've had to photograph them live.

The photos really aren't anything special but the opportunity to take them meant a lot. The band were perfect and they are just an effortless band. Everything seems so easy and they are very understated which makes them quite powerful.

The rest of the photos of Rival Schools are here.

So MAdM, The Saturdays and Rival Schools was the first two days of the week. The same person who sorted out The Saturdays for me was also sorting out a photoshoot with Dita Von Teese for an interview she's done with her for the Metro newspaper. This was a massive deal for me and while I was stressing and nervous about it, it was something I HAD to do.

In the end it fell through and it didn't happen but I was shooting a burlesque show for my friend on Friday. I was also meant to be spending the weekend at Erotica and I had two people that wanted photographs from me. I was meant to be shooting for House of Burlesque and Tanya Tate had also said she was after some photos. Despite the Dita shoot falling through I was told I could go and photograph her doing a book signing. As the week went on I was stressing more and more about everything and I was struggling to work out how I would fit everything in and not let anyone down.

As well as all these things I did five full days at work and covered/photographed a signing for artist Nathan Fox. It really has been an insane week.

I went to the burlesque show but when I got there I just didn't feel right. I felt incredibly uncomfortable and self concious and I don't know why. I was also very busy with loud music and lots of extremely loud talking. I started feeling quite claustrophobic (it's the only way I can describe it). As it was a charity show and I had been asked to photograph it was I was putting pressure on myself to deliver some decent photos to warrent being asked to do it. As the night went on and once the performers started my anxiety was going through the roof and I was verging on a panic attack and I was starting to get into a bit of a downward spiral and I was freaking out. I ended up having to leave and I was pretty upset. I felt like I had let Deni down for leaving and not taking photos but I also just didn't feel up to being around groups of people so I decided not to go to Erotica. I think it's for the best that I take a little bit of a breather and try and collect myself a little. Everything just got too much too quickly and I felt so far out of my comfort zone this week. It's meant letting down three sets of people over the last two days but I don't know what else I could have done.

This week has made me realise that I can take some good shots but I really am not a good photographer and I think there's a big difference. I seriously lack the skills to handle pressure and social situations which can really set you apart.

Melissa Auf der Maur - Scala

Last time Melissa Auf der Maur was over she managed to get caught up in the joys of the Icelandic volcano and her gig got shuffled about. I was also ill was having a very intense week with lots going on (similar to this week strangely).

She announced a show at the Scala and I was over the moon about this. Scala is a really laid back venue, great lighting and they have a barrier! I decided to go into the venue a bit later so I could grab a drink with friends but when I got inside Japanese Voyeurs were about to start. They took me by surprise when they started playing and I really wanted to grab some shots. I went to go get my spot on the barrier to find there wasn't one and I had to find a spot in the crowd which meant I had to duck and dive round peoples heads to get some shots.

The lighting for Japanese Voyeurs was p-e-r-f-e-c-t and between that and the band themselves, everything really felt like it clicked. I really want to shoot them again.

In almost total contrast to JV, the lighting for MAdM was a lot less intense and tended to be single colours and not much front lighting. I think some of this was for atmosphere and also they were using a projector. I like how the photos came out but I definitely had to work harder for her.

I'm trying to shoot a bit differently and a bit more free at the moment. I will be working on something that could be really exciting and it might help me to push myself a bit more with what I'm able to do.

Japanese Voyeurs

Melissa Auf der Maur

The rest of the photos of Japanese Voyeurs are here.

The rest of the photos of Melissa Auf der Maur are here.

London Rollergirls Season Three - Bout Two

The second of the London Rollergirls doubler header bouts for Season 3 took place on Saturday night (featuring Harbour Grudges vs Steam Rollers and Ultraviolent Femmes vs Suffra Jets). I was looking forward to shooting this bout as I thought the last lot of photos were ok but could have been better.

The first thing I noticed was there seemed to be a lot more photographers this time and getting space in the first corner wasn't as easy as last time. The LRG were allowing photographers into the middle of the track to shoot from a box which they are marked out but the photographers were only allowed in and out during time outs or at the end of the period. I think I was pretty much the only one to say they wanted to try shooting from there in advance but on the day, lots of other photographers also wanted to try it too. I managed to get in for the start of the first bout and I loved it. It allowed me to get closer to the action which I've struggled to do before and it was a lot easier to track the skaters round the corner and get some good shots of them in motion. A lot of the photographers seemed new and seemed to ignore/not know/not understand a lot of the things that myself and some of the regulars had been told which was a bit weird to watch.

I'm a lot happier with these photos than before. I hopefully have more variaty in the shots and they make for much better sets.

The bouts themselves were great and extremely close/exciting.

Harbour Grudges vs Steam Rollers

Ultraviolent Femmes vs Suffra Jets

The rest of the photos from the Harbour Grudges vs Steam Rollers bout are here.

The rest of the photos from the Ultraviolent Femmes vs Suffra Jets bout are here.